User blog:ZeroTigress/Neutrality

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A neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. She doesn’t feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most neutrality is a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil. After all, she would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, she’s not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. The common phrase for neutral is "true neutral." Neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion.
Dungeons & Dragons Alignment Test

More often than not I'm compelled to switch back and forth between good and bad decisions. I don't see myself as good, but I don't see myself as bad either. Because of this, I can see both sides of the coin more easily than others.

That's not to say that I am immune to bias. Far from it. I am only human after all. Some people want to decry me, others want to praise me. And yet I prefer to be denounced rather than complimented. Perhaps it's because I fear falling to the human flaw of letting praise get to my head. So I continually reinforce the idea that I am a bad person that doesn't deserve to live. I guess it doesn't help that I spent my childhood being bullied and put down by both family and classmates alike.

Low self-esteem? Pretty sure. Even now I wonder how I've managed to befriend others with lowly social skills as I have. I don't deny suicide has entered my thoughts more than once. I can't recall a moment of my childhood where I didn't contemplate the idea of a world without my existence. Depression? Is that what I have? Maybe. Yet when it comes to art and video games, those thoughts vanish without a trace. Escaping reality; is it not a normal thing to do with a mind pulled in so many different directions that the desire to end it becomes appealing?

Push others away so they don't get dragged down with me; that's what I do. It's better for people to stay away from me, yet in my loneliness I seek out the company of others regardless. Does that make me a bad person to spread my negative aura to others in my desire to not be alone? Be a shadow; exist yet don't exist. A zero. Nothing.

At the very least, I can say I've never desired to kill others like mass shooters do. Although I share their feelings of being a lonely outcast, I've never once thought to kill those who do wrong against me. I suppose in my low self-esteem I find myself believing I deserve to be treated so badly. Go out with a bang? In video games, sure, but certainly not in real life. Not my style.

I can be both proactive and reactive. Should I be one over the other? People seem to praise the proactive and punish the reactive. And yet being reactive can be good, too. No matter how much you try, you can't prepare for anything and everything. Things aren't always going to be in your control. Reacting is better than not reacting at all. Although the way I tend to react doesn't always end well for me. I tend to incite a lot of anger. I guess that makes me a pretty bad person. Sorry.

I've had to attend 2 funerals in the past 5 years and it's made me think of my mortality a lot more than usual. I suppose it's made me feel a bit ambitious, what with the adoption of the Ragnarök Wiki and updating it every chance I get. Even if people don't appreciate it, I feel I'm making something of a difference with my pitiful existence. So at the very least, I appreciate this Wiki for what it is: a compendium of official Ragnarök content. Something the Ragnarök community is in dire need of in the wake of so many pserver resources. Like I said, be the change you want to see. (Because waiting around for paid GRAVITY workers to do something has done nothing.)

Yeah, I sacrificed advancing my career to pay back my loans and to go back to school to learn about animation. Maybe it was the wrong decision, but it was a choice I made and I don't regret doing it. Even if my achievements seem insignificant to others, they still mean something to me. The Ragnarök Wiki and the Bounty Boards... it's pretty obvious I'm rather protective of both since they're something I've worked to bring to fruition with blood, sweat, and tears so I take offense when people try to take them for themselves. (Seriously, I designed the Bounty Boards to cater to Gramps-haters and people want them to be the same as Gramps?? Go design and propose your own quest system if you don't like Bounty Boards! Stop being lazy and piggybacking off of other people's work to push your own agenda.)

Guess that's enough of me airing out my thoughts. Can't help but think about things when I'm by myself.


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